Wednesday, August 4, 2010

11 on thursdays

You are fucking gorgeous.

Sunday, May 9, 2010

Ode to my lovers

You were never a lover, just a minor
You were a gentlemen with too many barriers
And you, you were my first
You carried my heart in what was so cold
But I left you behind.
And you, my second first
Our love was cancer
cus you loved smoking fags.

Thursday, April 22, 2010

You

you

I never thought i'd hate anyone more and more
I tried not to let you down
i fucking hate you
and i will always hate you.
you disgust every fibre of my being you selfish prick.

Wednesday, April 14, 2010

Mistaken for strangers

You have to do it running but you do everything that they ask you to
cause you don’t mind seeing yourself in a picture
as long as you look faraway, as long as you look removed
showered and blue-blazered, fill yourself with quarters
showered and blue-blazered, fill yourself with quarters

You get mistaken for strangers by your own friends
when you pass them at night under the silvery, silvery citibank lights
arm in arm in arm and eyes and eyes glazing under
oh you wouldn’t want an angel watching over
surprise, surprise they wouldn’t wannna watch
another uninnocent, elegant fall into the unmagnificent lives of adults

Make up something to believe in your heart of hearts
so you have something to wear on your sleeve of sleeves
so you swear you just saw a feathery woman
carry a blindfolded man through the trees
showered and blue-blazered, fill yourself with quarters
showered and blue-blazered, fill yourself with quarters

Tuesday, April 13, 2010

Monster

That boy is a monster
there was a monster in my bed
he ate my heart

Gone

All the world in one grain of sand, and i blown it

Friday, April 9, 2010

Monday, March 8, 2010

Rude awakenings


Don't help others who don't help you.


Out of my circle of friends only two shine. There's no way I'm saying the rest are bad friends. Mediocrity is so standard, so let's put it to that. The ones that shine are the ones who make the effort to go out of their own way even when you don't ask. This year i've seen people's true colours. I know i'm not a good person entirely and i do have a bad side, and i acknowledge every negative trait. it's merely just the offer of a helping hand. Human kindness is dependent on what you can do for them in return. I'm not the best friend a person can have, but i will go out of my way to help someone ie uni work, reschedule and i really wouldn't care.

Song of the day - Burial by Miike Snow

Movies borrowed

Moon
The 400 blows (insert porno joke) just in case you were wondering, it's considered a classic and one of the best films ever made.

Sunday, March 7, 2010

Palisades! Palisades!

Thinking outrageously I write in cursive
I hide in my bed with the lights on the floor
Wearing three layers of coats and leg warmers
I see my own breath on the face of the door

Oh I am not quite sleeping
Oh I am fast in bed
There on the wall in the bedroom creeping
I see a wasp with her wings outstretched

North of Savanna we swim in the palisades
I come out wearing my brother's red hat
There on his shoulder my best friend is bit seven times
He runs washing his face in his hands

Oh how I meant to tease him
Oh how I meant no harm
Touching his back with my hand I kiss him
I see the wasp on the length of my arm

Oh great sights upon this state! Hallelu-
Wonders bright, and rivers, lake. Hallelu-
Trail of Tears and Horseshoe Lake. Hallelu-
trusting things beyond mistake. Hallelu-

We were in love. We were in love.
Palisades! Palisades! Palisades
I can wait. I can wait.

Lamb of God, we soudn the horn.
Hallelujah!
To us your ghost is born.
Hallelu-

I can't explain the state that I'm in
The state of my heart, he was my best friend
Into the car, from the back seat
Oh admiration in falling asleep
All of my powers, day after day
I can tell you, we swaggered and swayed
Deep in the tower, the prairies below
I can tell you, the telling gets old
Terrible sting and terrible storm
I can tell you the day we were born
My friend is gone, he ran away
I can tell you, I love him each day
Though we have sparred, wrestled and raged
I can tell you I love him each day
Terrible sting, terrible storm
I can tell you...


/////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////

My last night in the Parade.
tore down photos.
packing boxes.
I didn't lose a lover, I lost a friend.
You were so stoic.

Thursday, March 4, 2010

random note

Ps I feel really sorry for people who actually listen to Cobra Starship and the like. Surprisingly taylor swift isn't in my bad books. Rhianna should stop trying to be like mia or santigold in her video clips. It ain't happening sister.

20 something.

I still think I'm a kid. Being like in my 20s now it's great that i can still be silly, make lame jokes, kitsch inside jokes and observations with certain friends who find it highly amusing too. But i've come to realise that there are friends who seldom find these memes entertaining, if at all interesting. They've become boring, banal twats who ignore the funner sides in life, avoiding frivolity who inadvertently stay at home, whine about how hard their day was indulging in the fantasies of Grey's Anatomy. I'm sure everyone has friends like these.

Sunday, February 28, 2010

books

Remembering a really good quote

"you guys weren't on the same page"
"we weren't in the same book."

I'll grow old and i'll grow brave... one of these days

Hello readers. Nothing much new to update, just a little depressed that summer has officially ended. I worked today in Bondi, gosh what a.. place. I've only been there 4-5 times, i think. Wait maybe more. Who cares. The place is good but gosh it's full of assholes.

My most hated months of January and February are over. I think i'll always hate them from now. I'm going to start liking Autumn and Winter, huddled in front of the heater in my t-shirt and short shorts, refusing to put on warm clothes in false belief that it's not cold, it's just 'not as hot as before.' I wondered into an art store the other day and i saw a book called 100 lists or something. Wtf why buy a book for $20-30 to write down the stuff you like in list form? Which brings me to the idea of writing lists in my blog. I secretly hate people listing an ever growing line of the bands they like, movies they watch on fb, i hate to admit but i did it once upon a time. So i'm going to do it here :) Ranging from the stuff i ate, saw, youtube videos and favourited etc. One of my best friends gave me a very insightful book called 'How to be an Explorer of the World' and it outlined the importance of collecting data. So that's just one of the very many things i'm going to do, for now. Undjoy.

Song of the day - Chocolates and Cigarettes Angus and Julia Stone/Cigarettes and Chocolate Milk Rufus Wainwright

A couple of weeks ago i took on the very, very bad habit of smoking, I was stressed and miserable and smoked my heart away, literally. Last week was all about quitting, headaches, jaw clenching, teeth grinding and night sweats and i guess this cold i have is probably the end product. All this talk just makes me want to light one up.. right.. now.

Stuff I ate today

bondi burger
chips
a can of coke
V black
3 glasses of water
3 eggs
1 slice of really salty and gross bacon
1 choc calciyum

end result = fuck i'm fat bitching it hard this week

Youtube videos favourited today


Pepper Ann intro
Songs mentioned as above
kitty home movies

Movies watched this weekend

Fantastic Mr Fox
The Life Aquatic
One flew over the Cuckoos Nest
Full Metal Jacket
Ferngully

Celebrities looked up on Wikipedia

Bar Refaeli
Frank Lowy
Peter Singer
Jon Stewart

I see a Jewish theme going on here.

Reasons why I didn't go out this weekend

I had a fever
my bed was far too comfortable
Too many drowsy pills that made me sleep :)
I had work the next day
I really don't want to catch a train


Verdict: I probably should get a life.

Uni starts this wednesday! Am I excited? Ye. Helloooo unsw bookstore dude!

Thursday, February 18, 2010

4am frolick

At 12:07 am, i felt calm and happy. Slumped against the train window aimlessly looking onto the Sydney skyline. Yeah i was happy.

Song of the day
The National - Mistaken for strangers

Wednesday, February 17, 2010

Energy

Warning: LAME post

I wish I could rip out a page of my memory
Cuz I put to much enegry in him and me
Can't wait til I get through this phase
Cuz it's killing me
To bad we can't re-write our own history


Such a mystery when he's here with me

I love Keri Hilson.

Monday, February 15, 2010

Hotel rooms

In Bangkok i saw a fortune teller with my ex. I didn't want to do it but i did. With him sitting right beside she was completely oblivious that he was my partner. She read my palm and told me i'll meet my soul mate at 26. I know i shouldn't think too deeply into it. I instantly felt heartbreak and i held his hand tightly right after, I don't know what he was thinking but later in the hotel room i kissed and kissed him and told him he was mine. Deep down i think we both knew we weren't right for each other. Right now, sitting on my bed, writing all teary eyed listening to the radio dept, I wander where my 'soul mate' is and if he's thinking the same thing. Will we miraculously run into each other? Or would we have to find each other.

I thought it was serendipitous with my last. It happened two years ago, I remember bumping into him three times the same day and i showed him my oh so cool artsy photographs i just developed and he showed me his squishy pillow for the trip to Thailand the following day. It's weird how it started and ended with Thailand. Did i mention he was the first boy i ever liked in year 6, and, the first boy i loved. And this time he loved me back.

Song of the day
The Raveonettes - With my eyes closed

it was never meant to be, for me

Revertigo

Last night I went on a ladies date with one of the best people out there. To be honest i just wanted to marinate in my own juices curled up in my bed - BECAUSE IT WAS HOT, wow that sounded derrty. I wanted to sleep and wake up when it's over. But i'm glad i trudged out of bed and went out, it was refreshing. The weather was horrible, and there were too many left over crowds from the previous Chinese new year celebrations. Being the Filipinas we are, we ordered lemon chicken and peking ribs in Chinatown. Yum!

The reason why I don't like going out is because of the inevitable late, lonely train ride home, slumped against the window aimlessly looking out to the Sydney skyline. Not to mention that it was Valentine's day, watching some derro couple incessantly making baby noises, snogging here and there.. it just pushes me over the edge. Not really. I just wanted to barf because both were so heinous. Do you want to know why people hate public displays of affection? it's not because we're jealous. No. It's because the people that do it tend to be FUCKING UGLY. I get the whole teenagers doing it, but that's all. I've never seen a hot couple make out in front of me.. wait for it, because they don't give a shit that they're getting some because they can. Ugly people want to flaunt it. What makes people hate ugly people even more is that they, well, it's even uglier seeing you stick your tongue into another ugly person's mouth.

Wow i sound so bitter about ugly people's public displays of affection but i know everyone feels the same way. Come on.

Over and out!

Saturday, February 13, 2010

Grinch

So last night I dreamt a very strange dream. It must have been because I slept at 5. I was in some 16th century palisade and there were all these dead white horses piled up in some sacrificial temple. We had to get rid of the horses so we dumped the bodies in this clear pool that went into some river, and i just remember that it was so blue and clear and all this blood sinking at the bottom. It was so vivid. I also remember that there were these strange alien beings from another castle testing the water and i couldn't talk to them. And i was ordering chocolate from a bar. It was so weird. The castles reminded me of King Rama's Temple in Thailand i visited 2 months ago. I guess that was it.

I looked at the meaning of horses.

If you see a dead horse in your dream, then it indicates that something in your life that initially offered you strength is now gone. This may refer to a relationship or situation. - dreammoods.com

I really don't know why I'm beating myself up so bad. I know i shouldn't feel this way and i really shouldn't hate or blame myself for what happened. It was inevitable. We had a great time together, but maybe we weren't meant to be. It's taken me so long to understand this and I can't not help but feel guilty. Last week I went away to the central coast to try and forget, it did work temporarily but it always lingered in the back of my head. And i did have a lot of fun. But i returned to an empty home and flooding memories coming back to me. I miss being in a relationship but i also took a lot of things for granted, like my family and friends. Even uni work because he was my number one priority. Nothing else mattered. I realise now that has done more damage in the long run. He has changed and he isn't and won't be the same person i fell in love with. Nevertheless one part of me is waiting for him and i really have to let that go.

I literally just got a message from him wishing me a happy valentine's day.. I just don't understand. Last year we had dinner at a Japanese Restaurant and i gave him perfume. I don't remember the rest, but i wish i did. I took so many things for granted and i'm sure he did too. I'll always love him but I have to let him go. He couldn't commit and i could. We were always on different wavelengths. I'm a capricorn and he's an aries, the worst match in the zodiac. I really hate cliches but a long time ago someone said if you love something set it free, and if it comes back then it's meant to be. That happened before but I didn't want them again. I want him back now, but i don't know if i would want him back later. What comes is better than what came before.


Song of the day
I found a reason - Cat Power

I would take you back in a second.

And you would reject me in a heartbeat.

It's so late and i'm listening to the songs to the bands/artists in year 6. Please don't judge me, but do judge me for still liking them.

Vertical Horizon

Oh my God. This was my favourite band in 2000. The first album I ever bought and I listened to it non-stop. I even had trouble sleeping because i would recite the lyrics over and over in my head. 'Everything you want' was what made me buy the album, and it was 29.99... SPEWING! i can't believe i spent that much on aband probably equivalent to Nickelback now. My beloved tracks were 'You're a God' and 'Best I ever had (Grey Sky Morning).' Yes i loved this band because i could easily relate, having my heart broken several times at eleven.. So naive.

Wheatus

Okay so i didn't like the band, but i LOVED teenage dirtbag. I remember buying the single and it had this horrible illustration of a mustang or whatever, ehh. I could have sworn i would have never gotten sick of the song. Hey you know what? after 10 years it's not that bad. It had another song on it called 'Leroy', fuck that was shit.

"i've got two tickets to iron maiden baby come with me friday don't say maybe" - my favourite line.

Sugaray


What the heck happened to them? Everyone was in love with them, or so i thought. I liked a couple of their songs but in truth i wasn't totally LADY GAGA over them. But yeh i had their album too. I liked one of their songs, the sad one. Yeh.

Slim Shady (Eminem)


YES. Slim Shady. He was the bomb. He isn't half as good as he was back then but i still love the guy. I had every single one of his albums, and i regret giving them away in a fit of hip hop hate. I want my slim shady EP back!

Dawson's Creek Soundtrack

I listened to this religiously. Five for fighting - lol is all i have to say.

Nine days

Seriously. What the fuck. My music taste just keeps getting worse.

Blink 182


eugh yeah that's a given.

Abort Abort!

Pablo Neruda

"Love is so short; forgetting is so long."

Happy Valentine's Day

"When the Supremes sang about how "Breakin' Up Is Hard To Do," they weren't kidding. Not only are you thrown back into the category of singletons, most people, myself included, ask themselves the overwhelming and unfair question, "What did I do wrong?" News flash: probably nothing. The break up most likely had to do with the fact that along some lines the two of you just weren't meant to be together."

Friday, February 12, 2010

Each day is meant to get easier but i find it the total opposite. I miss watching the sun glimmer over your shoulders in the morning. Listening to your heartbeat before going to sleep and then i'll listen to mine right after. I loved pressing my head against your stomach and make out sounds while watching movies. I want to go back to the way things were but you don't want to. I keep thinking if i see you the pain would go away. But when i do i expect you to smile and hug me. I know you want to be alone so i'll give you loneliness.

Tuesday, January 19, 2010

xx

Please don't say we're done
When I'm not finished
cus I could give you so much more
Make you feel, like never before
Welcome, they said welcome to the floor

It's been a while
And you've found someone better
But I've been waiting too long to give this up
The more I see, I understand
But sometimes, I still need you

Sometimes, I still need you


I was struggling to get in
Left waiting outside your door
I was sure
You'd give me more


No need to come to me
When I can make it all the way to you
You made it clear
You weren't near
Near enough for me

Heart skipped a beat
And when I caught it you were out of reach
But I'm sure, I'm sure
You've heard if before

Monday, January 18, 2010

High Expectations Low results. I've never felt more alone.

Thursday, January 14, 2010

And when I caught it you were out of reach

The more I see, I understand
But sometimes, I still need you

Sometimes, I still need you


I just want to kill some time. Just with you.
I've been overdosing myself with too much of the xx.
I like writing in sentences. Tomorrow is my birthday party. I don't know whether to be excited. I'm mostly nervous. Twenty one in twenty ten. Sydney weather is always pmsing. Maybe i'm pmsing too?

Read the most amusing review on vice:
"I wouldn't listen to this album before falling asleep because i might have dreams about being boring."
- Rangi ranginui on 'deastro'

I have an awful temper. After the angry subsides, i just feel empty. Kind of like eating a bueno, you take a bite and there's only a little bit of cream, then you feel heavily disappointed you spent $2.50 on chocolate air. But i'm not full of delicious cream. Fuck i yap on about useless metaphors.

Tuesday, January 12, 2010

I am yours now so now I don't ever have to leave

I love how one line in a song defines the mood, not the entire song. Bitch be talking crazy!

Monday, January 11, 2010

It's only castles burning.

When I'm down i have a knack for listening to Neil Young over and over. I discovered Neil Young in year 8 when i walked past my dad's bedroom while he was listening to 'Don't let it bring you down.' I realised that it was an Annie Lennox cover in American Beauty, you know in that climactic scene where Kevin slowly undresses Mena Suvari, don't get too turned on. I get really disappointed of the number of people who haven't even heard of Neil. Oh yes i enjoyed my doses of Ja rule and Nelly (er and even J. Lo) in 2002, but After the Goldrush is the album i fell in love with (It took my dad 3 years to figure out his CD was missing). I wish i could sing only to sing 'Birds,' so i can upload it onto my Youtube account. Not really. As gay as this is going to sound, but i feel like there's a hole in my chest and it's only getting deeper. I don't know how to fix it. And i don't know where you are.

Sunday, January 10, 2010

Ten.

Happy New Year Folks.

Decided to update my blog (again) in response to my new year's resolution, which is 'to do stuff.' How was your new years? Good I hope. Other than doing stuff, i've also made the resolution to be less awkward and more sociable, and venting on the blog is a little nice step. 2009 went horrifically fast, is it because we're getting older? I must admit on the first day of New year's a part of me died. I don't feel the same or have the same outlook on people nor myself, but i'm glad that part of me has gone. Don't laugh but i also had this tiny little voice telling me what to say and i'd say the exact opposite or something that went along the lines of 'mumble mumble.' That voice has gone, i guess it was my 'inner child' (insert chuckle). There are so many awful people out there, and i'm not excluding myself (i'm sure i fall into that category most definitely) and i just don't get why people just lie around and 'sigh.' Ignorance is bliss then.

Indulging in many movies, tv series, music blogs and books, i still am the very same person i was ten years ago. Although i'm not into eminem anymore, back then i had the Slim Shady EP... uh what were we talking about. Ah yes, I will be and always be the same person as the weird little eleven year old kid lurking in the background of a group photo, mumbling nonsense and liking anything and everything against what everyone likes and i don't give a fuck what you think. HAPPY 2010! xo