Grinch

So last night I dreamt a very strange dream. It must have been because I slept at 5. I was in some 16th century palisade and there were all these dead white horses piled up in some sacrificial temple. We had to get rid of the horses so we dumped the bodies in this clear pool that went into some river, and i just remember that it was so blue and clear and all this blood sinking at the bottom. It was so vivid. I also remember that there were these strange alien beings from another castle testing the water and i couldn't talk to them. And i was ordering chocolate from a bar. It was so weird. The castles reminded me of King Rama's Temple in Thailand i visited 2 months ago. I guess that was it.

I looked at the meaning of horses.

If you see a dead horse in your dream, then it indicates that something in your life that initially offered you strength is now gone. This may refer to a relationship or situation. - dreammoods.com

I really don't know why I'm beating myself up so bad. I know i shouldn't feel this way and i really shouldn't hate or blame myself for what happened. It was inevitable. We had a great time together, but maybe we weren't meant to be. It's taken me so long to understand this and I can't not help but feel guilty. Last week I went away to the central coast to try and forget, it did work temporarily but it always lingered in the back of my head. And i did have a lot of fun. But i returned to an empty home and flooding memories coming back to me. I miss being in a relationship but i also took a lot of things for granted, like my family and friends. Even uni work because he was my number one priority. Nothing else mattered. I realise now that has done more damage in the long run. He has changed and he isn't and won't be the same person i fell in love with. Nevertheless one part of me is waiting for him and i really have to let that go.

I literally just got a message from him wishing me a happy valentine's day.. I just don't understand. Last year we had dinner at a Japanese Restaurant and i gave him perfume. I don't remember the rest, but i wish i did. I took so many things for granted and i'm sure he did too. I'll always love him but I have to let him go. He couldn't commit and i could. We were always on different wavelengths. I'm a capricorn and he's an aries, the worst match in the zodiac. I really hate cliches but a long time ago someone said if you love something set it free, and if it comes back then it's meant to be. That happened before but I didn't want them again. I want him back now, but i don't know if i would want him back later. What comes is better than what came before.


Song of the day
I found a reason - Cat Power